Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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