i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
