Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
