THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
