Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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