I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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