Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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