DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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