if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
