just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
