I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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