There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
