I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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