Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
