Do you still have your period?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
