why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
