I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
