I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You were trust falling into bushes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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