It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
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it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
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Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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