If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
