I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
