I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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