I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
