We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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