If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
