Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
