my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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