You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
