The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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