i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
