me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
