Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
why do cheetos always look like penises
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
