puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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