I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
