I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
