Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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