M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
