First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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