I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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