and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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