Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
