I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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