the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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