so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
