So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
