piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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