Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
