my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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