I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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