I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
her facebook's as public as her vagina
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
