i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
