Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
