You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
