i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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