Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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