I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
