We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
