got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
