Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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