I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I want a musical about memes.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
