I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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